happyfish

So today I cleaned out almost the rest of my girly clothes. It was weird, because I felt a pang throwing some of them on the floor. I liked being a girl, sometimes. I liked being able to be pretty, but even as I admit that I know that I can't do it anymore. Summer seems to worsen my relationship with my body. Maybe it's the heat, and the fact that I can't hide under layers of clothing as easily as in winter. Maybe it's because my parents are back and throwing terms at me like 'she' and 'young lady.' I had to get into a fight with them to get them to call me by my chosen name. Apparently it was too much to assume that they'd understand I want to be called Jasper after I legally changed my name to Jasper and then got all my friends and coworkers to call me by that name. Apparently I still needed to tell them to call me Jasper because they couldn't read my mind, now could they?
It was rather frustrating.
Today Dad mentioned when Ben and Amanda start having kids. He talked about me being an aunt. I don't want to be an aunt! And I don't mean that in the way that I don't want my brother to have kids, 'cause that'd be kind of sweet. I just - Auntie Jasper? It's rather nauseating. I'd love to be a crazy uncle, or something. But sometimes I wonder if they'll even want me near the kids.

Sorry, self-pity moment there.


It's hard, with the parents here. I mean, it's easier in some ways - they make suppers and help clean and it's sometimes nice to not be the only person in the house for hours at a time. But it's also hard. I liked being independent. I liked not getting nagged at every day. I liked having the majority of the people I talk to use the right pronouns, and the right name, and just - you know, understand. That's kind of sweet. I'm dreading Tuesday, and the rest of the next week and a half or so. I haven't seen most of the relatives that are coming in about five years. I'm not who I was five years ago. Hell, I'm not even who I was one year ago. I don't want to have to explain myself to people. I don't want to be the scandal of the wedding. I don't want to be surrounded by people who call me she and ben's sister and sharon's daughter and oh, what a nice young woman you've turned out to be! Because then I might have to go throw up on someone and that won't be pretty. I already feel on edge as it is. The wedding isn't going to make anything better.

Sometimes it's hard being the black sheep in the family.

So, uh, anyone want to hang out sometime? I need contact with the real world like whoa.

55 minutes until I'm off to my counseling appointment. I've been trying to do some research, but I was a dumbass and left everything to the last minute and now there are no books. I've got one book and an article (maybe) about something I'm not really that interested in. If I'm lucky I'll be able to find another and bs my way through 4 pages before next Tuesday. It shouldn't be that hard, should it? Apparently I'm good at b.s.ing; I got a 92% on my AHIS midterm without actually studying that hard. So at least if I bomb the paper, I shouldn't fail the course.
I'm such an optimist.
Yesterday I quit my job, because there was no way in hell I'd be able to finish all of my projects I have going on right now, and work, and sleep and feed myself and try to stay sane. It feels sort of weird being unemployed again. Glad I did it, though.
Getting somewhat nervous now.
Ugh.
Why is everyone going through so much shit? Like seriously, I don't get it. I wish I could take everyone's pain away and make it better, but I don't know how. And that's a crappy feeling. I hate feeling helpless.
Don't want to think about that. Kind of want to go home and sleep. Met the school counselor yesterday, and she seems very sweet. we'll see. I'm off anyway, to find something to do and maybe try to get my third source. Please, gods.

So...snow. White. Softness. Alone, again. Ben's gone out to youth group and he probably won't be back until the small hours of the morning. He sent me a text message at work saying he wouldn't be able to pick me up, so I went shopping after I was done. The clothes in the new apparel department are nice, but they're all cotton, or cotton-ish fabrics. Nothing for this kind of weather. Also looked at trying to find a new pair of gloves, since I lost one of mine last last Tuesday after swing. The fingerless glove/mitt combination would've been good, if they weren't men's gloves and the thumb about an inch too long. Pity I'm not a man. Then I could pee standing up.
I've finally got the yarn for my Gryffindor scarf, and have discovered how dismal my knitting skills actually are. I also think that my knitting needles are too big, which may explain some of the general crappiness that is my knitting. Alone, bored. Supper was kraft dinner that Ben left on the stove, because I was too lazy to make something that somewhat resembles food. So I've eaten a quarter of a chocolate bar, but I still feel somewhat strange. Maybe it's the snow, the light, the lonliness. I don't know. I've been feeling weird for a while now, I think. It was worse last night. I couldn't sleep, and I just felt - full, of something. Strange. Sort of felt like distroying something, but not out of anger, just out of a general restlessness. Unfulfilment. Perhaps I need an electric toothbrush. Perhaps I need help. Who knows? Not me. I almost wish this feeling would go away, but I don't remember what normal was like. Maybe it's worse.
I should clean something. If it doesn't make me feel better (not that I'm feeling particularly bad or anything), at least then the kitchen will be clean, and smell less like there's something rotting in the fridge. Still trying to figure out what that is. Maybe it's just leftovers from the things that used to be rotting in the fridge, but are now rotting somewhere else. Still alone, and bored. I want to do something productive, but I also don't. I'm trying to figure out if the not-wanting is as strong as the wanting. If it isn't, then I may actually get something done today.

Ever notice, when you want something really badly (you can almost taste it), that you don't want it once you actually have it? Seriously. Like cinnamon buns. Sweet, gooey and all that wonderfulness. I so wanted one the other day when I went shopping. Then I thought about it, and realized that I just wanted to want one, if that makes any sense.
Also kind of like my crush on Rob, which I am really enjoying, by the way. But I don't really want him to like me back, that wouldn't be as fun. And anyway, if he even started to act like he did, I'd scream and run away like, like a scared rabbit. That is, ultimately, the number one reason on my list of Why I Will Never Be Romantically Involved With Anyone. Not the desire thing, the scared rabbit one.
It's okay, I'll have my cats! Eheh. *cries*