happyfish: (rainbows)
The Vancouver trip was awesome. I needed to get out of the city so badly it was almost ridiculous. And, you know, road trips are always fun. I got to see all the cool people who up and moved to Vancouver in the past year, as well as spending huge amounts of time with Kait and Clare. Which sort of resulted in really bad jokes continuously, because we're like that.
And I got to see the best rainbow ever. A perfect double-arch. The sort of thing I knew was possible but figured never actually happened. Kait was so excited I thought she was going to drive into a tree. Fortunately, she didn't.
The Homo Hop was last Friday, and it was the first event that I'd ever organized. Not sure if I truly want to organize another event, even though it went amazingly well. Everything went smoothly, we got quite a few youth out and they all seemed to be enjoying themselves. The sound equipment worked (although apparently the set-up guy was an idiot), we had enough volunteers, and it was totally wonderful. All because we had the almost the best group of organizers ever, and because the drama-inciters no longer come to events.
It was so exhausting.
It seems like all the exciting events are over for the summer, though that's really not true. It's just kind of mind-numbingly boring to be unemployed all the time. I'm continuously applying at places. It doesn't seem to matter; no-one is calling me back. Having no money is lame. There are a bunch of projects I could be working on, like my online comic that I only sporadically update. I just have no motivation to do anything. Well, I taught myself 'Mad World' on the piano in a day, but other than that...I've been pretty useless.
I sent an email to my parents when I was in Vancouver to finally tell them that I'd started T. Their response was pretty much: 'Why didn't you tell us earlier?' I got to talk to them briefly on Sunday, and they didn't mention it, but they weren't upset either. It was the best response I could have possibly hoped for, really.
And my hair is blue.
happyfish: (drag!Snape)
This is going to turn into a rant. I'm not cutting it, because I'm tired of worrying about offending people. If you don't want to read it, then don't. I also use the word 'fuck' a lot. Deal.

I wish I were braver. I wish there wasn't a fucking need to sit everyone I know down and explain everything before people start using the right fucking pronouns. I'm tired of coming out, and I haven't even done a lot of it. I just feel like I shouldn't have to. Why do I have to explain myself? Why do I have to limit myself to words, labels? Why do people have to assume? I'm just so fucking frustrated at everything right now. I wish there was a way that everyone could just know in a great pile of group-knowingness. I wish I knew the words to say. I wish it wasn't so fucking complicated.
I hate being in the middle. I hate being afraid of what people think, and sure, what should I care? But we can say all we like about how we're not afraid of what people think; at the end of the day we still are. And I can know without a shadow of a doubt that I have nothing to be afraid of and everyone's going to be fine about it and probably give me hugs or whatever. Offer more people I can talk to who've gone through the same thing. (What am I supposed to say to them? How would that not be ten sorts of awkward? ['so...what about that trans-ness...es...?']) But I'll still be afraid to bring it up, to correct them or whatever. It doesn't matter.
I'm still not used to even saying anything anyway. I only found out in freaking January. It took me over a year to admit I like girls. Granted I wasn't in the most accepting environment at the time, but still. I think I've done pretty well in the whole 'not going completely stark raving mad' department.
ugh. I can't think straight anymore.
I want to do something. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being afraid.

Coming out

May. 6th, 2007 12:38 pm
happyfish: (Screaming Violet)
I just sent the letter to my parents where I tell them almost everything. Trans-stuff and sexuality. I actually feel sort of calm right now. I wonder when they'll get it.
happyfish: (Default)
Wow, another sporadic journal entry. GO me!! (note sarcasm) Ok, so I've been busy. I don't even know when I updated this last, and I'm too lazy to check, so this will just be what's happening with me now, and not what's happened since I last came here.
Well, I did come out to my best friend. And she was like "wow, don't tell your parents." which was kinda disappointing because it wasn't really a reaction. You know, this is really important to me right now, and all I get is, "when you go soul-searching, be sure to send me back a pretty postcard"? WTF!!! and besides, I've already BEEN soul-searching. did she think i'd tell her without THINKING about it first???
It rained here. Now it smells like dust. Oh, and i think i'm bi, but i'm still not sure.
goddammit.

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happyfish

June 2010

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