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I'm sitting here on the computer and, today, I'm dressed like a girl.
It's something I've wanted to try again for a while now, but I've had to wait until a day where I wasn't going to school or seeing anyone I know. I wanted to see how it would feel like to dress like this again without the influences of other people's opinions. I dread the comments of 'But I thought you were trans' just as much as I dread the comments of 'but I thought you were a girl' when I dress like a guy.
'But I thought you were....'
You thought I was what? Female? Male? Neither? Both? What if I don't know? What if my identity didn't come neatly packaged and labeled like everyone else's? I still pause when going to the bathroom in a public place, because I don't know where I fit. I wish it were societally acceptable to play with identity, because that's what I need to do. A lot of the time I don't know where my limits are until I've crossed them. So today I put on a bra and some of my old shirts from before and it felt like seeing an old friend again. Like becoming a character I've put away for years, but who is familiar to me as the games I used to play as a kid. I missed letting myself be pretty. I missed letting myself be graceful. I'm tired of always judging myself for 'not being man enough' when I like this, or want to do that. I spent twenty years of my life shoving myself into one gender-mold. Why did I just turn around and shove myself into another?
Sometimes I feel like I don't fit. I'm too masculine to be a girl, but too girly to be a guy. I like the clothes I have now. I like how I dress, most of the time. It's comfortable. It feels good. But just because I like dressing in guy's clothes, does it mean I'm never allowed to dress in girl's?
I'm sick of the gender binary. I want to wear what I want, and act the way that feels normal to me and not give a fuck about what people think. I don't want to choose one or the other. Maybe I can have a bit of both.
It's something I've wanted to try again for a while now, but I've had to wait until a day where I wasn't going to school or seeing anyone I know. I wanted to see how it would feel like to dress like this again without the influences of other people's opinions. I dread the comments of 'But I thought you were trans' just as much as I dread the comments of 'but I thought you were a girl' when I dress like a guy.
'But I thought you were....'
You thought I was what? Female? Male? Neither? Both? What if I don't know? What if my identity didn't come neatly packaged and labeled like everyone else's? I still pause when going to the bathroom in a public place, because I don't know where I fit. I wish it were societally acceptable to play with identity, because that's what I need to do. A lot of the time I don't know where my limits are until I've crossed them. So today I put on a bra and some of my old shirts from before and it felt like seeing an old friend again. Like becoming a character I've put away for years, but who is familiar to me as the games I used to play as a kid. I missed letting myself be pretty. I missed letting myself be graceful. I'm tired of always judging myself for 'not being man enough' when I like this, or want to do that. I spent twenty years of my life shoving myself into one gender-mold. Why did I just turn around and shove myself into another?
Sometimes I feel like I don't fit. I'm too masculine to be a girl, but too girly to be a guy. I like the clothes I have now. I like how I dress, most of the time. It's comfortable. It feels good. But just because I like dressing in guy's clothes, does it mean I'm never allowed to dress in girl's?
I'm sick of the gender binary. I want to wear what I want, and act the way that feels normal to me and not give a fuck about what people think. I don't want to choose one or the other. Maybe I can have a bit of both.
