updateness

Jul. 3rd, 2009 05:06 pm
happyfish: (Car)
Mom came back a week ago. It was pretty exciting. I mean, I haven't seen her since Christmas, and I knew she'd storm through the house and fill it full of food and such. It's also unexciting. I'm used to large amounts of time to myself, being able to be completely (or almost) self-sufficient. I can arrange the house in the way that best suits me, I can leave and not tell anyone where I'm going, I can feed the cat however much food that I think she needs. In short, I can be an independent adult, living in my own space. When Mom comes back, suddenly it's not my own space. I'd hesitate even to say that this is my home. It's just a house where I'm staying because I can't afford to stay anywhere else. And it's really annoying, sometimes. I know I can probably get used to living with someone else. I just need to be patient.
There are good things, though. She hasn't said anything about me being on T, hasn't told me she'd rather I stop or anything. She doesn't mind that my hair is blue. She's let me talk for half an hour about Misc Youth and what we're doing and why it's Important to have a youth organization specifically for queer youth. She's a lot better than she has been. Neither of us have really lost our tempers. There are just times when I'd love nothing more than to tell her to fuck off, I have important things to do.
I went over to Kait's last week to hang out and set things on fire. And I got to meet her coworker Dave, who is someone she never stops talking about. As it turns out, I know him from swing dancing, which was rather awkward. He walked in the door and the first thing he said was my old name. It was a little weird for the whole night, although he was pretty good about the whole name thing. He totally had no idea I was trans, although I daresay he knows now.
Drag show last night. We were competing with Stampede, and lost horribly. There were, at most, about eight people in the audience if you didn't include the kings. Still, we put on a good show for those who actually showed up, and I gave them free candy. I can't stand the Stampede. ugh. Can't wait till it's over.
Mom's gone to go rent a car. Excuse me, I must frolic in the wonderfulness that is my empty house.
happyfish: (rainbows)
The Vancouver trip was awesome. I needed to get out of the city so badly it was almost ridiculous. And, you know, road trips are always fun. I got to see all the cool people who up and moved to Vancouver in the past year, as well as spending huge amounts of time with Kait and Clare. Which sort of resulted in really bad jokes continuously, because we're like that.
And I got to see the best rainbow ever. A perfect double-arch. The sort of thing I knew was possible but figured never actually happened. Kait was so excited I thought she was going to drive into a tree. Fortunately, she didn't.
The Homo Hop was last Friday, and it was the first event that I'd ever organized. Not sure if I truly want to organize another event, even though it went amazingly well. Everything went smoothly, we got quite a few youth out and they all seemed to be enjoying themselves. The sound equipment worked (although apparently the set-up guy was an idiot), we had enough volunteers, and it was totally wonderful. All because we had the almost the best group of organizers ever, and because the drama-inciters no longer come to events.
It was so exhausting.
It seems like all the exciting events are over for the summer, though that's really not true. It's just kind of mind-numbingly boring to be unemployed all the time. I'm continuously applying at places. It doesn't seem to matter; no-one is calling me back. Having no money is lame. There are a bunch of projects I could be working on, like my online comic that I only sporadically update. I just have no motivation to do anything. Well, I taught myself 'Mad World' on the piano in a day, but other than that...I've been pretty useless.
I sent an email to my parents when I was in Vancouver to finally tell them that I'd started T. Their response was pretty much: 'Why didn't you tell us earlier?' I got to talk to them briefly on Sunday, and they didn't mention it, but they weren't upset either. It was the best response I could have possibly hoped for, really.
And my hair is blue.
happyfish: (Leaf on the Wind)
Life's been quiet recently. Hard for it not to be, really, what with me still being unemployed. I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about that. I know the job market is pretty dead, and that it takes forever sometimes for people to call you back for interviews and the like. Still, the lack of money and activity is making me a little anxious at at times. My original plan was to take August off just to relax, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do that anymore. I've had plenty of relaxing. It would be nice to save up a little bit of money.
So I've been lazing around, being slothful. Reading lots of books, cuddling the cat, starting a handful of projects that I work on sporadically. It's weird, but I never feel as motivated in my art when I'm not in school. As soon as I have a ton of school projects that I absolutely need to get done, all I want to do is work on projects that have nothing to do with school. My brain, it is strange sometimes.
My parents keep making hints that I ought to apply again at Superstore. Which I'm sure I will, once I get back from Vancouver. I'm really excited about this trip. I haven't left the city in I don't know how long, and road trips are awesome. I'm pretty sure that they're even awesomer when they're with cool people who aren't my parents and who aren't going to play Christian music.
Leaving the city will probably help prevent me from panicking too much about the Homo Hop. Realize that this is the first event that I have ever organized, and even thought I'm organizing with the help of two wonderful people, sometimes I feel completely unprepared. I've started having dreams about it. Kind of lame, even if they aren't bad dreams.
Busy day today. I woke up at seven for the first time in weeks, which was sort of miraculous. Helped Red move a little bit until they started moving furniture and then ran off to Laura's for a Homo Hop planning meeting. And to make faces at Koda, who is ridiculously cute, ohgod, and likes to stare blankly at fauxhawks and chew on fingers. Fortunately not my fingers. Jen and I ended up both wearing plaid shorts, which was amusing. Then I ran home to relax for a bit before Kait picked me up and we went off to the parent's place for steaks.
Mmm...steaks...
I finally got to officially meet Clare in real life and not online today. She's super nice and the accent is cute. Kind of grateful that I like her, because otherwise the ride to Vancouver would be really interesting, and not in a good way. She and Kait ran off to go see Peaches, and I ended up spending most of the evening hanging out with Kait's parents, Shannon and Julian. Which involved watching the kitten get stuck in the tree twice, and lots of talking. I'm not sure if I've ever enjoyed hanging out with a friend's parents before. Even with Caro's mom, there was always a little bit of...distance. I always felt a little awkward.
I've been on T for about a month and a half now. I am ever so slightly hairier, and my appetite is insane. Makes me feel vaguely hobbit-ish. Apparently Grannie has figured out I'm trans (due, no doubt, to my facebook profile where I make no attempt to hide anything), and seems to be quite ok with it. Which is amazing, and relieving. My parents still don't know I'm on T. I really ought to tell them and soon.


happyfish: (Yay)
So yesterday I went to go see Dr. J yet again. This time to get a referral to Dr. Warneke (the psychiatrist/psychologist/something that is pretty much the only person who gives permission for you to go ahead with surgery), and to talk about getting on hormones. The snow kind of worked in my favour - there weren't a lot of people there. Who wants to trek through a bunch of snow to sit in a waiting room for a couple of hours? Dr. J gave me the referral, and a month's worth of T samples. I might go on the shot in a month once I run out, since I don't have a lot of income and I'm probably going to spend all of my extra money on food now. Still. omg! I'm on T! I almost cried, but didn't. Also refrained from dancing in public on the way home. Too much.
*flail!*
This has been kind of the best week ever.

Ramblings

Feb. 1st, 2009 01:15 pm
happyfish: (snape in lingerie)
Rocky Horror was fun. For the first time, ever, I didn't go in costume, or bring any sort of props. My stomach's been bugging me again, although it's not bad right now, and I was feeling lazy and irritable right before I left, so I just shoved my knitting and binder in my backpack and went of to Trevor's. I don't think I can handle being in a corset anymore, at least, not one that emphasizes the fact that I have tits. I might try to figure out how to make a man-corset by March, one I can bind in. (Trevor was relieved that he didn't have to see me running around in my underwear all night. I admit, it would have been amusing just to see his reaction to my outfit, if I'd have been able to force myself into it). Also, I've lost my garters, which is rather annoying.

Lazed around for most of yesterday, watching Star Wars (Episode IV) at the Tranny Shack. Man, I haven't seen that movie in ages. Sara suggested that a group of us go as over-sized Jawas to the Comicon in April, which would be pretty wicked, and not that hard to do. Then I went home, ate actual food, and went out to buy groceries from T&T.

Got a message from Trevor today. He's back in the hospital. He was feeling pretty shitty yesterday, and said he might go to the Foothills to see if they could do anything. I'm a little less worried than last time, but I had no idea what was going on, what was wrong, or when he'd see a doctor. At least now I know he's in a bed, and should be on some pain meds. And if he isn't, I'm going to go kick some hospital staff ass, because they shouldn't fucking leave my boy in pain. *growl*

Show on Thursday. I'm excited and somewhat dreading it. It should be good, though.

It's been two years since I started questioning my gender. Two years. It seems longer, somehow. I'm a lot more comfortable in my skin than I was then, but it's taken pretty much all of those two years to get me there. I've finally come to the conclusion that I'm really, really not actually that fine not passing as male. I was afraid that, since my gender identity is pretty fluid, maybe I would regret transitioning because what if I looked male but started feeling less than male? Could I deal with that?

Apparently, the answer was yes. Everything that I am or was afraid of about transitioning doesn't seem as important now. I know most of it is just the little voice in the back of my head telling me that I'll never be masculine enough to pass as male. Since I already can pass as male a lot of the time, I know that's a lie.

I think it's kind of funny that I'm off to go dye my hair pink now.

Also, do I really have to be hungry all the time? Seriously, what's going to happen when I start T? I'm never going to stop eating.

happyfish: (Pensive Jack)
I remember when I started questioning my gender, about two years ago now, that I would write a lot. Just write and write and write. Try to get the muddled thoughts out of my head and onto paper and see if they made more sense that way. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn't. I remember one of the things I wrote then, that I keep forgetting about and then remembering again, over and over again.

Sometimes I feel like the strange mixture between a dyke and a fag.

I think that's as close as I will ever get to describing how I feel about my gender in words. I use 'genderqueer' sometimes. 'Transgendered.' 'Transguy.' 'Boi.' They're just for convenience. They don't fit. Nothing fits. I'll use the single words so I don't have to go on and on about something that I can't articulate. Especially if I'm speaking.
Sometimes I'm jealous of my other trans-friends because they seem so sure. So secure in their identity. I know it's a lie. I know they're probably just as insecure as I am. It's just - I may never know if I want to transition. There are times when I actually like my body. There are times I hate it. James came out and started hormones within about three months of telling everyone he was trans. It's been almost two years since I came out to myself and it may be another two before I make a decision. Or decide never to decide. I don't know.
I find it interesting that I always remember I'm genderqueer just before my parents come back. And then my mind gets fucked over and I feel so fucking sure I want to transition, take hormones, something, just so they could fucking understand and use the right fucking pronouns sometimes.
There are no right pronouns. It would be so much easier if there were.

In short.

Nov. 25th, 2008 12:26 pm
happyfish: (Default)
  • I have a Twitter account now. Not sure why, only that it's vaguely entertaining.
  • Oh right. I'm genderqueer.
  • I should possibly cut down on my caffeine consumption.
  • My warp for my final weaving project is rainbow and therefore awesome.
  • I don't want to write bylaws today.
happyfish: (Hamlet's LJ entry)
It's 8:30. I'm drinking a huge mug of tea (caffeinated) because I think I've hit over-exhaustion and I'm in this strange place where I'm too tired to do anything, including sleep. And there are so many things I need to do. Thoughts like that make me wonder if I'm more stressed out than I'm letting myself believe.

Things are going pretty well, really. I'm managing to not procrastinate on any of my projects, I've got a plan for the next couple of weeks that involves me getting enough sleep and me-time whilst still managing to meet all of my deadlines. My Print instructor says I can leave early on Thursday, which means I don't have to worry about getting all of my Fake Mustache things to school.

I feel so un-stressed right now. Just really tired. Zombie-tired. Braaaiins...

I need to call my therapist and start seeing her again. It'd probably be a good idea for my transition. I've concluded after the summer that I really actually want to transition. I mean, chances are, I'd be comfortable with my body if it were just me and I didn't have to deal with other people ever. But I do. Stupid people.

Corrected Mackenzie (my Fibre instructor) when he used the wrong pronouns today. No big deal. He winked at me later. It was amusing. He's one of the few instructor's I've had that I can imagine being colleagues with after graduation.

I kind of want to get this t-shirt. I wish I'd seen it in time to get it before the election. Although I suppose wearing it while voting would be a really bad idea. Amusing, though.

Alright, I think the caffeine is starting to kick in. I'm off to go bleach my hair.

happyfish: (drag!Snape)
So today I cleaned out almost the rest of my girly clothes. It was weird, because I felt a pang throwing some of them on the floor. I liked being a girl, sometimes. I liked being able to be pretty, but even as I admit that I know that I can't do it anymore. Summer seems to worsen my relationship with my body. Maybe it's the heat, and the fact that I can't hide under layers of clothing as easily as in winter. Maybe it's because my parents are back and throwing terms at me like 'she' and 'young lady.' I had to get into a fight with them to get them to call me by my chosen name. Apparently it was too much to assume that they'd understand I want to be called Jasper after I legally changed my name to Jasper and then got all my friends and coworkers to call me by that name. Apparently I still needed to tell them to call me Jasper because they couldn't read my mind, now could they?
It was rather frustrating.
Today Dad mentioned when Ben and Amanda start having kids. He talked about me being an aunt. I don't want to be an aunt! And I don't mean that in the way that I don't want my brother to have kids, 'cause that'd be kind of sweet. I just - Auntie Jasper? It's rather nauseating. I'd love to be a crazy uncle, or something. But sometimes I wonder if they'll even want me near the kids.

Sorry, self-pity moment there.


It's hard, with the parents here. I mean, it's easier in some ways - they make suppers and help clean and it's sometimes nice to not be the only person in the house for hours at a time. But it's also hard. I liked being independent. I liked not getting nagged at every day. I liked having the majority of the people I talk to use the right pronouns, and the right name, and just - you know, understand. That's kind of sweet. I'm dreading Tuesday, and the rest of the next week and a half or so. I haven't seen most of the relatives that are coming in about five years. I'm not who I was five years ago. Hell, I'm not even who I was one year ago. I don't want to have to explain myself to people. I don't want to be the scandal of the wedding. I don't want to be surrounded by people who call me she and ben's sister and sharon's daughter and oh, what a nice young woman you've turned out to be! Because then I might have to go throw up on someone and that won't be pretty. I already feel on edge as it is. The wedding isn't going to make anything better.

Sometimes it's hard being the black sheep in the family.

So, uh, anyone want to hang out sometime? I need contact with the real world like whoa.
happyfish: (drag!Snape)
I'm sitting here on the computer and, today, I'm dressed like a girl.
It's something I've wanted to try again for a while now, but I've had to wait until a day where I wasn't going to school or seeing anyone I know. I wanted to see how it would feel like to dress like this again without the influences of other people's opinions. I dread the comments of 'But I thought you were trans' just as much as I dread the comments of 'but I thought you were a girl' when I dress like a guy.
'But I thought you were....'
You thought I was what? Female? Male? Neither? Both? What if I don't know? What if my identity didn't come neatly packaged and labeled like everyone else's? I still pause when going to the bathroom in a public place, because I don't know where I fit. I wish it were societally acceptable to play with identity, because that's what I need to do. A lot of the time I don't know where my limits are until I've crossed them. So today I put on a bra and some of my old shirts from before and it felt like seeing an old friend again. Like becoming a character I've put away for years, but who is familiar to me as the games I used to play as a kid. I missed letting myself be pretty. I missed letting myself be graceful. I'm tired of always judging myself for 'not being man enough' when I like this, or want to do that. I spent twenty years of my life shoving myself into one gender-mold. Why did I just turn around and shove myself into another?
Sometimes I feel like I don't fit. I'm too masculine to be a girl, but too girly to be a guy. I like the clothes I have now. I like how I dress, most of the time. It's comfortable. It feels good. But just because I like dressing in guy's clothes, does it mean I'm never allowed to dress in girl's?
I'm sick of the gender binary. I want to wear what I want, and act the way that feels normal to me and not give a fuck about what people think. I don't want to choose one or the other. Maybe I can have a bit of both.
happyfish: (Default)
Talked to my parents today. Like, Talk with a capital T. I needed to ask them if Dom could stay here longer until he gets back on his feet, and just tell them more about Dom's situation so they actually know what's going on. No clear answers as of yet, considering how big a decision this is. Dad actually used male pronouns while talking about him. w00t. I totally didn't expect that. I feel like they understand now, and that's a good thing. Like whoa.
Also managed to talk a bit about my trans-ness. Just reiterating how I came out to myself, and Mom was all like 'we don't really understand this, and it's really new,' but I get the feeling they're trying really hard anyway and that fucking rocks. I feel really lucky, and grateful, to have the parents that I do. Despite the complete and utter Christianity and the differences we have. I've sort of reconciled with that anyway. I know that's just who they are, and I can't ask them to change just because they annoy me sometimes.
happyfish: (rainbows)
So yesterday I got called 'sir' over the phone. w00t.
Oh, and it's National Coming Out Day today. am wearing rainbows. and getting burrito all over the keyboard. yum.
happyfish: (drag!Snape)
This is going to turn into a rant. I'm not cutting it, because I'm tired of worrying about offending people. If you don't want to read it, then don't. I also use the word 'fuck' a lot. Deal.

I wish I were braver. I wish there wasn't a fucking need to sit everyone I know down and explain everything before people start using the right fucking pronouns. I'm tired of coming out, and I haven't even done a lot of it. I just feel like I shouldn't have to. Why do I have to explain myself? Why do I have to limit myself to words, labels? Why do people have to assume? I'm just so fucking frustrated at everything right now. I wish there was a way that everyone could just know in a great pile of group-knowingness. I wish I knew the words to say. I wish it wasn't so fucking complicated.
I hate being in the middle. I hate being afraid of what people think, and sure, what should I care? But we can say all we like about how we're not afraid of what people think; at the end of the day we still are. And I can know without a shadow of a doubt that I have nothing to be afraid of and everyone's going to be fine about it and probably give me hugs or whatever. Offer more people I can talk to who've gone through the same thing. (What am I supposed to say to them? How would that not be ten sorts of awkward? ['so...what about that trans-ness...es...?']) But I'll still be afraid to bring it up, to correct them or whatever. It doesn't matter.
I'm still not used to even saying anything anyway. I only found out in freaking January. It took me over a year to admit I like girls. Granted I wasn't in the most accepting environment at the time, but still. I think I've done pretty well in the whole 'not going completely stark raving mad' department.
ugh. I can't think straight anymore.
I want to do something. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being afraid.
happyfish: (Stabby Rip Stab Stab)
So last night I went to Diagon Alley to hang with friends and girlfriend in costume to celebrate the release of the final HP. Well, this was after the barbeque thing I had with family friends. Sitting around outside talking religion and Middle East and/or African politics. And it's weird, but it's almost like being in a different culture when I'm hanging out with a bunch of Christians. Sitting there hearing them call me my old name and feeling their expectations on me, and by the end of it sort of going, well maybe I could be who they want me to be. Maybe maybe. Until I remember that I really, really just can't. And not being comfortable until I can go home and change.
Anyway, Harry Potter. Haven't read it yet. Don't spoil unless I ask, plzkthnx. But there was a street festival last night and after I'd gotten home from the barbeque and changed, I caught a bus dispite the overwhelming unhelpfullness that is teleride/the CT website, and went downtown. I found Lacy and co. almost immediately. It was amazing, considering the amount of people that were there. The chances must have been a million to one or something. Found Caro eventually and we shoved our way through crowds, looking at people's costumes and going on a grand quest to find Tracy a washroom. woot. And there were acrobats and it was cool. We stayed till about midnight, when people started cheering and buying books and all that craziness. Then we left. I don't have a book, nor have I ordered one. I'm planning on getting one next week or so, after the insanity has died down slightly, or maybe just borrow it from someone. Not actually that much of a fan, so I don't really care. And everyone there used the right name and it was fabulous.

In short

Jul. 4th, 2007 10:49 pm
happyfish: (Stabby Rip Stab Stab)
My computer is stupid and freezes all the time. Mom doesn't understand me, which sounds all emo teenager-ish, but is actually true. I don't know where I fit in this puzzle-piece world anymore. Labels are stupid. I'm sort of envious of Mom to have the world figured out in neat boxes, but how lame, how boring, how unrealistic. Today I went to the registry to sign my name change form. Soon I'll be Jasper Dion instead of what I was before. Not that I know what that was. Personalities are just a bunch of words floating around an indescribable abstract of 'this is who I am' except I've lost that, somewhere along this process of finding myself. All I know is I miss singing and that I like drag. Maybe they'll be clues that will solve the mystery. I don't want to be who I was, but I hate the awkward and the in-between. I hate the descrepancy between my name and my presentation and why the hell do employers need to know M or F anyway? I need a job. Soon I'll be paying for my own schooling and that scares me. I want to move out but know I can't.
happyfish: (Cherry blossom)
So, uh, it was our cieday yesterday. Go figure. Either that or it's tomorrow. I can't remember. Apparently I celebrated last year on the seventeenth, though in my head I thought I met Thal on the nineteenth. Uh. You know, I can't remember if I didn't talk to Thal this much back when I actually went on TDF, or if this is just a recent phenomenon. Because we talk, yes, and half the time I don't notice or separate her voice from mine, and 90% of the time she's not projected. Wei just...are. And together. But there's nothing deep and meaningful anymore, though she still gives me comfort and bites my ear when I need courage. Nothing I'd want to go on TDF for and talk about. I feel sort of bad for deserting, but I also don't want to go back to say good-bye. I might, eventually, go back and become a member of the community again. See if anyone remembers me. Screw around with people's heads over pronouns, because that is what I do now, apparently.
Talked to three people about the name/pronoun change. It's surprisingly easy. Or maybe I just have awesome friends. :)
happyfish: (drag!Snape)
So. Fake Mustache last night. Amature drag king contest, which I did not win, though I'm strangely not disappointed about that. Apparently I'm getting to become a better loser, which is good to know. I was fabulous anyway. Plus I got to dance with Red. :D
I feel sort of strange right now, which probably has more to do with a lack of adequate sleep and food than anything else. I've eaten two things since yesterday at 5ish pm and they were a granola bar and an apple turnover. I'm strangely not hungry/in the mood for eating at the moment. And yeah, woke up at five this morning because my legs hurt. :( I'm not sure if they were cramping because I was an ass and didn't stretch before or after dancing, or if they were growing pains. They felt more like growing pains than anything else, but I can't still be growing. Didn't go back to sleep until 6. >.<
I want to do something. I'm tired of being so afraid of what people think, and losing approval, that I sit around and mope and do nothing. I am tired of this. I'm tired of having four names and not knowing which one I actually want. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and seeing 'girl.' I want to hit something, hard, and watch it shatter. I want to change.
And, damnit, I think I will.
I swear this livejournal never used to be so angsty.
happyfish: (Stabby Rip Stab Stab)
Sometimes, you know, I want to take it all the way. I want to stretch boundries and make people change definitions.
Sometimes I'm afraid I'll never be enough, never be content. That I'll be left scratching at the close-up lava lamps in experimental films because all I want to do is break the barrier and see what's on the other side.
I've forgotten how much I hate large gatherings of people. It's just so exhausting to be aware of what people see and the difference between that and what I know is true.

Coming out

May. 6th, 2007 12:38 pm
happyfish: (Screaming Violet)
I just sent the letter to my parents where I tell them almost everything. Trans-stuff and sexuality. I actually feel sort of calm right now. I wonder when they'll get it.

So...

Mar. 20th, 2007 11:36 pm
happyfish: (Default)
I saw Vinky today. I haven't seen her since the last day of Grade 9, though I saw her dad at Superstore once. It was weird because she went up to me and was all 'hey, remember me?' and it took me ten seconds to place her. I don't even know what's so different about her, just that there's something different. We talked for a bit, and then I caught my bus in the snow, which was crazy windy when I got on the bus, and then the wind was dead five minutes later when I got off. Calgary weather. On the way back from the stop I saw a truck towing a trailer full of kayaks. It was weird.
Random gender issues today, but I don't feel like going into anything until I have more time.

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